The Great Debate - SAHM or Working Mom?

Since the start of the industrial revolution, the number of women working outside the home has continued to increase.  Along the same trajectory, the cost of living and requirements to live a pinterest style existence, the "option" for women not to work outside the home has declined. Throughout this time, a great debate has existed - which is "better"? Being a stay at home mom or working outside the home?  Everyone has an opinion.  In recent years, at least for me, it feels as if we women have softened a bit to better understand the other vantage point.  But the question remains...as does the guilt in either case. 

How do I know? I know, because I have been both.  We had our first daughter in 2007 and our second in 2009.  At the time, I had "the dream job" as a young executive at a software company.  I had come off a 6 year stint working for a Big 4 accounting/consulting firm and was just getting started in my career.  I had worked HARD to get to where I was.  My husband and I also had big dreams - we wanted to live and travel well.  At that point, we were both working and making a great living, but the idea that I would stay home with the kids was not in the plan.  I am the spender, my husband the saver and our lifestyle would have changed dramatically if I stayed home.  On top of that, I liked the work I was doing - I felt successful, appreciated and truly that I was making a difference for those I worked with and for.  

I was able to make it work.  I outsourced as much as I could - housekeeping, laundry, grocery shopping. All the things I didn't care to do that kept me from my kids, I found help to support.  I attended every school function I could, which was most. I focused on my kids when I got home everyday because of all that I had outsourced. I stayed home with them when they were sick and caught up on work at night when I needed to.   At the same time, I rose in my career to a Vice President role at another technology company. I worked with so many people that I enjoyed being with - I learned so much and felt very much in my zone every day.   

Despite all of this - I felt SO GUILTY.  How could I choose a career over my kids?  Even if it meant we couldn't do as much as a family, or send them to private school, or have as much as we did.  Didn't they need me?  Every time I took them to a doctor's appointment or had a parent teacher conference - I felt GUILTY for missing work, and anxious about someone looking for me from work.  I thought none of the other moms at school worked - just me, making this awful decision. It was a no win situation - never enough.  

But there were amazing things that came out of this time.  The girls are social, they are comfortable in so many types of situations.  They are precious souls. As teenagers, they assure me, they felt (and feel) very loved.  During her 5th grade Mother's Day program, my daughter recorded the sweetest video saying that I was her role model as a successful, independent woman that she wanted to be just like when she got older.  Many moms were in tears - especially me! I also had a thriving career - I was massively contributing to our families experience financially and making awesome things happen at work.

I may have had a few more tears during that Mother's Day video than normal, because at the time, I was pregnant with our surprise 3rd child.  After he was born, I continued working, but I had began to think, maybe I would do things differently this time. The problem was, at this point, I had created an incredible setup at the company I was with - 4 day work week with amazing pay.  Me leaving work would have a much bigger impact on our lives than it would have 12 years before.  Fate had different plans, however.  In October of 2019, I was let go as the company was purchased.   I was disappointed, but I had a great severance, and then as Covid hit, I was in an amazing position of not having to work outside the home.  At the same time, my husband's business took off and I found myself in a place that allowed me not to work.  

I became a SAHM for my 3 kids.  I had worked since I was 12 years old.  I held a full time job from the start of college until the day I was let go - almost 25 years.  This was a MASSIVE change for me. It's been 2 1/2 years and it still feels weird almost everyday.  I have had a ton of fun. There is an amazing feeling of freedom that comes with not having an outside job.  I no longer worry about attending a meeting or taking my kids to the doctors office.  I don't have to ask for time off from work.  I've gotten to really watch my son grow.  When he was so little, I knew everything he ate, what he learned, when he slept, how he progressed, what made him laugh.  All the things I thought I missed with my girls.  And it was (and is) A LOT.  I was also there for every tantrum and frustration and truly 24/7 care.  I have little downtime for my soul at this point.  I also learned that MOST of the mom's at school work - I truly had no idea.  And the guilt remained.  Was I patient enough?  Was I yelling too much?  Should I be contributing more to our family? Was I being a good role model for my girls in terms of work ethic and opportunities?  Was my house clean enough?  Was I doing enough as a SAHM?  Why didn't I want to leave the house?  I miss my old working life...I felt more independent and in control. So much mind junk. 

So, my response to this great debate - it is perfect WHATEVER you decide.  Even if it's not really a decision, rather the best of the situations presented - it is PERFECT.  

We spend so much time in our minds wrapped up in what we think might be true - we miss what IS true.  There is beauty in there.  There is always beauty.  And there are frustrations and complexities.  That, is life.  It's really about what we focus on whichever situation you are in.  You can focus on the drudgery or the miraculous. Either way, the miraculous is there - waiting to be seen.   

And you are part of that miracle.  Just as you are.  I love you. 

Love,

Lisa Owen